both of us are new at this
There are so many things I said I'd never do once I was a parent that I find laughable now. We are all better parents before we have kids.
I hate to break it to my past self who though she really knew what she would be like when she was a mom, but unfortunately my kids have sugar in the morning sometimes. They watch TV more than the guidelines suggest. My son plays video games and he can't read yet (to be fair I think it's actually helping him want to learn how to read and we use it to practice reading sometimes). We eat frozen meals more than I would like to admit. The list goes on.
There are a few things I've been bullish about though. We read at least one book together every day or night. I apologize to my children and we learn together. I never shame my children for crying or tell them what they’re feeling isn't valid.
But today, I almost said something today that I promised myself I'd never say to my kids. It almost slipped out of my mouth like a slimy eel, and I knew once it was out there it wouldn't go back in.
Sorry. That was gross imagery. I'm rolling with it though.
I caught the words in time, but it was almost too late. I almost said: “I guess I can't do anything right!”
It was over something silly. My son was wearing a nice, new school branded polo and I made spaghetti. The polo in question was white. I say was, because it was getting spaghetti all over it.
“Oh I probably should have thought about asking you to change or take off that shirt!” I said, thinking out loud more than anything.
He goes to take it off with his sauce-covered hands and I reflexively said, “No, no. You'd need to wipe off your hands first. It's okay it's just a shirt.”
And then my sweet, still-learning-table-manners 5-year-old, must have thought, “Ohh I need to wipe off my hands. Got it.” He did what he always does, which is to wipe his hands….right on his shirt.
“Noooo!” I said, more loudly than necessary. More sharply than I meant to. He looks super shocked and starts crying immediately, acting like he didn't know what to do with his hands.
I felt terrible, and I didn't want to feel terrible. So, those dreaded words almost slipped out of my mouth.
“I guess I can't do anything right can I?”
If you're wondering why I'm so hung up on those words, they're defensive. They shift the focus away from their experience and invalidate it. And it leaves them feeling guilty for expressing their emotions, and maybe even responsible for apologizing.
There's a whole host of phrases like this one. You may have also heard:
I guess I can't do anything right.
Out of everything I do for you, that's what you focus on?
I can't win with you.
I just won't say anything anymore.
Yeah. All pretty much the same.
It isn't outright invalidating his feelings or telling him to stop crying about it. But in some ways, it would feel even worse. It's more covert. It's an undercover tactic. One I didn't even realize I had until it was almost too late. Yes, he's only 5 and likely wouldn't read into this phrase as deeply as I'm thinking about it, but honestly? Kids are perceptive.
So instead, I took a breath. Swallowed that eel down. Accepted that I felt uncomfortable about my own behavior and bad for making him cry.
“Oof, sorry bud. I probably sounded mad there, huh?”
He nodded tearfully.
“I'm not mad. It's just a shirt. It will clean. You were trying to help and then I said ‘noooo!’ and sounded mad. I'm sorry. Want to wipe your hands on this napkin and I can help you get the shirt off if you want? Or you can leave it on.”
And then he nodded again. We wiped his hands and tears. He wanted to take the shirt off, so I helped him.
I'm not a perfect parent. Not by far. There are a million things in this situation I could have handled differently or done better. I worry that there are things I'm doing or saying that I don't have the same foresight about.
However, just like my son is five for the first time, still learning how to use napkins, I have to remember that this is also my first time being a parent and I'm still learning every day, too. I'll continue learning, continue repairing, and continue trying my best every day. I won't be perfect. No one is.
With a bit of stain remover, the shirt will be fine. And with continued practice and repair, I know the stains of those almost-said words won't set in either.