mothers are crying out for help and society calls them evil
If people put the same effort they spend judging others into supporting them, the world would be a better place.
Let me explain. Not that this really needs explaining.
I’m a privileged mom, but I feel like I’m drowning sometimes. I don’t have a village in my immediate area. I have to buy mine. I pay for an expensive gym that has childcare. I’m also planning on paying for childcare a few days a week to get time to work towards my goals.
But let me tell you about the last time I paid for childcare.
I dropped my kids off, and when I got home, my list of things to do was so long that instead, I was paralyzed. I went from room to room, staring at everything. I sat down and played the piano a bit. And by that I mean, plucked at it and got frustrated when I didn’t immediately produce a masterpiece. Thanks, ADHD!
I read a few news articles. I found out about a single mom who stabbed her children, thinking the devil possessed them. She was battling cancer and mental health issues, and still raising her children alone. The dad, her family, and friends said, “She never said anything about these thoughts.”
Well, she wouldn’t, would she?
I don’t know much about her life, but I saw her mugshot. And tears were streaming down her face. And I can’t imagine what she’s going through. It is horrifying in so many ways.
I saw outrage in the comments everywhere it’s posted. Talking about how she is pure evil. I think the evil thing is how society is failing moms. My heart breaks for her and for her children.
In my research I’ve been doing to understand postpartum depression better, I learned that untreated postpartum depression can last until their child enters school. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this is also the first help with childcare a mother is guaranteed to have in this country.
I saw another news story about a woman who drowned her 1-year-old in Lake Michigan. And my heart breaks all over again. I heard a story about how a mom thought she would be better off taking her own life and her happy toddler’s life to preserve that happiness for her toddler.
These aren’t isolated incidents.
Every time it happens, people are outraged, calling them evil women and wondering how they could commit these horrible crimes.
But here’s my question: what do we do to help? What does society offer them to prevent such incidents or to set up support?
Here are just a few of the things I’ve seen casually scrolling social media.
“You lose yourself in motherhood.” → “You find yourself in motherhood.”
“Enjoy every moment you can with your kids, it’s a blessing.” → “It’s okay to want and need space.”
“Your life is no longer about you.” → “Your life is still about you, and you need to make time for yourself.”
“Don’t pass on your generational trauma.” → “But hold firm boundaries and don’t allow them to bend or break.”
“Don’t have a kid if you aren’t ready to focus fully on them.” → “But also, legally, you aren’t allowed to get an abortion.”
“Screens ruin kids!” → “But don’t let them be too loud in public areas, we don’t like that.”
“Children should be outside, playing.” → “Why is your kid crawling in the grass being ‘feral’?”
“Children are a blessing.” → “But we are going to cut cancer research funding for them.”
“We are pro-life.” → “But once they are born, we have no systems in place to help you or your family, sorry.”
“It takes a village!” → “But you have to find or pay for your village on your own.”
I’m angry. Angry that our society values fetuses above actual children or moms who need help.
I’m angry that people have so much advice to shell out, but when someone raises their hand and says they need help, we tell them the next available therapy appointment is in months. Or that their insurance doesn’t cover therapy.
I’m angry that the U.S. decided to ban abortion because we view a fetus as a child, but we are cutting funding for children who are in our country and need help.
I’m angry that childcare is so expensive and out of reach for so many people.
I’m angry that people pass judgment on moms instead of offering help.
I’m angry that we expect so much out of moms but offer them so little support.
I’m angry that we tell moms that “mothering is in their DNA” and “they’ll pick it up naturally,” and then just let them fend for themselves.
I’m angry that moms are often discouraged from talking about our struggles.
As for me, I’m tired of feeling guilty for not being a “good enough” mom. I’m tired of feeling exhausted from parenting and then feeling guilty about that. I’m tired of the cognitive gymnastics of the mental load. I’m tired of trying to juggle all the advice out there and trying to navigate the landscape of raising children in today’s day and age. I’m TIRED.
I don’t know what to do about any of this. But I do know I have a righteous rage burning in me.
Becoming a perinatal therapist doesn’t feel like enough. Building the app I’m working on doesn’t feel like enough. But that’s what I can do for now, I suppose. And it’s better than nothing.