The Mental Burden of Being the Home’s Primary Manager
Even with all the progress that has been made for women’s rights, there is still a divide. In many homes, mothers still serve as the chief coordinators, the silent engines driving the family's day-to-day life.
This role, while full of love and dedication, carries a substantial mental burden which often goes unnoticed and unshared. It’s time for us to talk about the invisible labor performed by both working moms and stay-at-home moms (SAHMs). We’ll talk about why it’s a big deal and how you can lighten this load through partnership, planning, and self-care.
Understanding the Mental Load
The term "mental load" refers to the continuous planning, organizing, and tracking required to keep household affairs running smoothly.
Beyond physical tasks, it encompasses the emotional and cognitive labor of managing a home and family's needs. This constant juggling act can lead to stress, exhaustion, and feeling undervalued, impacting a mother's well-being and happiness.
It can be as small as the difference between walking past a piece of trash on the floor or a dirty dish vs actually taking the time to pick it up. Other examples are doing the laundry, preparing the bag for the next day, paying the bills, keeping on track of schedules, and much more.
Easily, this adds up and becomes overwhelming for one person to handle.
The Working Mom’s Perspective
Working moms face the frankly impossible task of balancing a career with their home's unseen management. The struggle to maintain this balance can lead to guilt, stress, and strained relationships. Even with both parents working full-time, the home management often defaults to the mom. And that is a full-time job on its own, if not more.
Sharing household responsibilities equitably with partners and communicating openly about needs and expectations are crucial steps toward lightening this load.
It’s important to take time to list out everything that you take care of. Yes, it seems overwhelming, and yes, it may seem like the last thing you want to do (on top of everything else!)—but the visual helps put it in perspective. And then you can start divvying it up. What can your partner take from you and fully manage? What can you “outsource”? What can slide in importance? We’ll talk more about splitting and outsourcing in the next section.
The SAHM Perspective
SAHMs confront their unique set of challenges, often dealing with societal undervaluation of their relentless work and the assumption that they can handle an ever-growing list of tasks because they are home. Being a SAHM is just as hard as being a working mom—but in a different way.
While they may be able to take on more than the moms who are working full-time, it’s important to understand they are also caring for their children full-time, 24/7, likely with no breaks. And on top of that they are trying to do everything they can do at home as well.
They too deserve recognition, support, and shared responsibility from their partners. SAHMs deserve time to themselves and the ability and time to do self-care.
Strategies for Managing the Mental Load
To combat the overwhelming nature of the mental load, mothers can employ several strategies:
Communicate clearly with your partner (if you have one) about the distribution of tasks and the need for support.
Write out all the tasks you do. It sounds like a lot, but it’s important to document everything and visualize it.
This may take a week or longer to capture everything, and that’s okay. It will be worth it in the end.
Look at the tasks with your partner (or on your own) and see what you can split out or outsource.
Example: is it in budget to hire cleaning services?
Set realistic expectations for yourself and your family; it's okay if everything isn't perfect.
Look at the tasks and decide on priority of them
You can’t do it all. It’s okay if some things take a backseat. It’s not forever. Your house doesn’t have to be spotless, you don’t have to cook every meal from scratch. There are ways to make things easier and more manageable.
Delegate tasks, whether by involving other family members or outsourcing certain jobs like cleaning.
Prioritize self-care to prevent burnout; your well-being is crucial to your family's happiness.
Even if you prioritize things differently, you need to have time to yourself. That should always be a top priority.
Engaging Your Partner
Creating a more balanced home life requires active participation from both partners:
Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner; let them truly understand the weight of the mental load.
Establish shared goals and equitable distribution of tasks based on each partner's strengths and schedules.
Appreciate and acknowledge each other's contributions to foster a supportive and loving environment.
If you don’t have a partner, it can create a unique set of challenges and obviously be difficult to distribute tasks evenly. This is worth an article on it’s own, but it’s important to not isolate yourself. There should be someone around that can help you—and if not, it’s time to find your village.
Conclusion
Addressing the mental burden of being the home's primary manager is crucial for the health and happiness of both mothers and their families. By fostering open communication, sharing responsibilities, and prioritizing personal well-being, mothers can begin to lighten their mental load. Remember, managing a home is a team effort, and every member, especially the primary manager, deserves support, respect, and love.