It’s been a while, but I do finally have an update on curating my own village, like I talked about in this post a while ago. Well, kind of. I didn’t actually go out and make any friends, but I did go online and make some friends, which totally counts, right?

(It felt a whole lot safer to me for some reason. I like hiding behind my computer sometimes, okay? Plus, I get to stay home, which is always nice.)

Here’s what I did… I posted a Thread halfheartedly in the name of research.

The thread that changed everything in just 2 weeks.

I didn’t expect much. Maybe a few responses. I would have been happy with one or two people who were willing to connect. But I ended up connecting with 28+ moms who were willing to let me send them a message daily.

Nineteen of those made it through the full 14-day battery of questions I created based on themes from the EPDS, and received a summary of what I noticed about them, along with some free resources I thought they might find helpful.

Ultimately, my research told me that I really need to go out and be a friend. But it also told me this: the moms are not okay right now. But it doesn’t have to be that way, and there are easy ways to make it better for moms everywhere.

Moms find things to be happy about

Every single mom I talked to found something that made them laugh and smile. Most of the time, it was their child’s laughter. Other times, it was finding time for themselves, or a long stretch of sleep, or hanging out with friends.

Moms are not completely miserable; they are just severely undersupported and overwhelmed. And we have nothing in society that is built to help them.

Moms just want someone to listen and care

At the end of the 14 days of questions, I sent resources such as Postpartum Support International, specific blog posts, or whatever else I thought they might find useful based on their responses. However, most moms responded that the process itself was the helpful part. I wondered if I’d get annoying popping up into their DMs every day with another question, but the opposite seemed to be true.

When I finished the check-ins, many of the people I was chatting with mentioned they really wished that it didn’t have to stop. They had support systems and people in their lives who were checking in on the baby, but not on them.

(I really wished I could have kept doing it, but maintaining 28 conversations a day took me about 2.5-3 hours each day!)

Moms are badass

So many moms I talked to are dealing with so much in their lives: working, caring for their partners or parents, illness, job hunting, maintaining the home, running programs at their churches, and so much more. All while running on approximately 2 hours of consecutive sleep and caring for an infant.

One mom I was chatting with was back at work full-time a few days after giving birth, because she had no choice. Another was working 12-hour shifts as a nurse and coming home to take care of her three kids. I could go on for days about how much these women are juggling, but what stood out even more was the mental load each of them carries.

I keep coming back to the mental load because there has to be a way to help ease that burden. It’s exhausting, emotionally, physically, and mentally, to be the one who has to carry that around all day, every day.

Moms need more support

The moms who were doing okay mentally and physically all had one thing in common: a solid, reliable support system. A grandparent who came over to take overnight shifts. Family nearby who could help with cleaning and laundry, or hold the baby to give mom a break. Some without family who were in a position to do so decided to hire help and realized how even four hours a week changed everything for them. But that wasn’t realistic for everyone.

Those who were shouldering everything were tired. They knew they were tired, and exhausted, and overwhelmed, but they couldn’t do anything about it. These women kept putting on a brave face and minimizing or dismissing what they were facing, just to make it through.

In reality, I searched as much as I could for these women, and there aren’t many resources that are set up to help moms. There aren’t many places you can go take a baby and truly relax and exhale. This needs to exist.

Moms want to be asked how they’re really doing

One quote stood out to me by someone I connected with, that sums up society pretty well right now: “It’s so crazy to think that there are so many moms sitting in their homes right now, doing it all by themselves without having any resources checking up on them.”

It really is. We have people fighting tooth and nail to make sure every baby is born, but we don’t have anyone on the other side of that birth to make sure the baby and the mom are cared for and okay.

If you’re reading this, I want you to reach out to a mom right now. She could have just had her baby a week ago, or have a child who is 33 years old. Doesn’t matter. Ask her how she’s really doing, and mean it. And be there for the response. Listen to her. Don’t judge or try to solve any issues that come up (unless they ask for help); just open your heart and listen. That act alone can support a mom more than you’d think.

So, now what?

Okay, so I talked to a bunch of strangers on the internet. Great. Now what?

Now, I reflect and pause. I realize, for one thing, that the app I’ve been pouring my time and energy into isn’t what is actually needed. So, I’m taking a pause on that for now and looking around me.

I’m going to actually get out of the house and try to build community and support around me. Figure out a way to connect these moms who are at home with their babies, craving connection, support, and being seen. I’m going to work towards making it easy for moms to be able to get out and about without stressing over judgment or things like “what if my baby screams the entire time?”

I’m not exactly sure how to do that yet, especially considering I’m very much in my hermit era and trying to get past that. But I do know that I’m motivated and open to figuring it out, because the moms need it. I needed it. I still need it with a toddler and a grade-schooler.

The moms are not okay. But we will be.

the moms are not okay