what i wish i'd known postpartum

I prepared for my first child the way I prepare for most things: by reading books, dutifully attending classes, and listening to all the advice coming at me, even when it contradicted itself.

Still, postpartum hit me like a ton of bricks in 2020.

I didn’t understand what was happening to me after I had my first child. I thought I had made a huge mistake. I wondered if I wasn’t actually meant to be a mom after all. Sometimes, I thought my family would be better off without me.

And then I felt overwhelming guilt for having those thoughts at all.

I labeled myself a “bad mom” for far longer than I’d care to admit.

After being diagnosed with postpartum depression (and eventually healing), I spent a lot of time trying to understand what I had gone through.

I wanted language for it. I wanted context. I wanted to know how something that felt so devastating could also be so common.

So, I started reading books again. I’m over halfway done with school to become a therapist and taking courses specifically designed for perinatal mental health therapy. What I’ve learned so far changed everything.

When familiar thoughts and feelings surfaced after my second child, they didn’t carry the same power. I wasn’t immune, but I wasn’t lost to it. I had knowledge, experience, and support in ways I didn’t before, and that made all the difference.

This is what I wish I’d known before my first child. I wish I could go back to my younger self, give her a hug, take the baby books out of her hands, and read her the rest of this post.

To me, it’s more important than how to change a diaper or how to burp a baby because it could have saved me years of agony.

It’s Normal (But That Doesn’t Mean It’s Easy)

Feeling overwhelmed is normal. Wanting a few uninterrupted hours of sleep is normal. Not feeling instantly connected to your baby is normal. Feeling a strange, unfamiliar rage is normal. Questioning your life choices at least once is normal. None of this means you’re not a good mom.

Postpartum isn’t “six weeks” and then magically back to normal.

It’s a massive life transition, especially with a first child. It transforms everything. Your identity, your relationships, your sense of self.

Grief for your life before the baby is normal. Not liking how you feel or the thoughts you’re having comes with the territory for many people.

The thing is, normal doesn’t mean easy. Normal is also different from one mom to the next.

Perfectionism and Silence Make It Harder

One thing I’ve learned both personally and through my studies is that perfectionism can increase your risk of perinatal mood disorders.

There is no single cause of postpartum depression or anxiety. There are protective factors and risk factors, but no one is immune.

Trying to grit your teeth and “just get through it,” minimizing your feelings, or shaming yourself for struggling almost always makes things worse.

Ignoring what you’re feeling doesn’t make it go away. You don’t have to suffer in silence or wonder if you don’t have maternal instincts.

This is hard, and it’s also beautiful. You’re growing and changing, grieving and transforming, and becoming someone new. Take it easy on yourself for not feeling like you have it all figured out. Reach out for help.

The Advice and Loneliness Paradox

Postpartum is not the time to cling tightly to pride. It’s the time to ask for help (and to actually accept it).

It’s also a season where boundaries matter more than ever. You’re allowed to protect your peace. Everyone will have advice. Everyone will have opinions. Take what feels supportive and let the rest go. Not all help is helpful.

You may feel lonelier than you ever have, even when you’re constantly around another person or a baby who needs you nonstop.

And even if you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing, you do.

Your instincts don’t disappear postpartum. They temporarily get quieter under exhaustion, fear, and noise. You still have them. In fact, they’re stronger than ever.

Support Is Allowed to Change

If the support you’re receiving stops feeling supportive, you’re allowed to change it.

It took me longer than I wish it had to realize that I could switch therapists. That I could talk to my doctor about what wasn’t working. That I could ask for something different.

Support isn’t one-size-fits-all.

You might rely on takeout for an entire month because your baby isn’t sleeping or your body feels hungrier than usual. That doesn’t mean it’s forever. You might need your mom to come help you clean or declutter. You might just need someone to listen without offering advice.

Sometimes what helps most is simply being asked, “How are you, really?”

You’re allowed to say what you need, and you’re allowed to change your mind.

The Truth that Matters Most

A lot of things with babies, and even toddlers, really are just phases.

Baby only sleeps in your arms? A phase. Baby hates baths? A phase.

But persistent guilt, shame, loss of interest, overwhelm, or the feeling that you can’t cope? Those aren’t things you should wait out alone.

Those are signs that it’s time to talk to someone. Support helps. Emotional support is essential during this season. Unfortunately, it’s often the piece missing from standard pregnancy and postpartum care.

You will mess up. You will make mistakes. You will have regrets.

You are still a great mom.

Why I’m Writing This Now

I’m writing this now because I’ve spent more than a year studying and working alongside postpartum mental health, and because I see how many moms are still navigating this without language, without reassurance, and without support.

I once read, “Write what you needed to hear a few years ago.” Well, this is it. Honestly, I may not have listened. I may not have recognized myself in these words yet.

But maybe you will.

If you’re in this season and wondering whether you’re doing it “right,” I hope this reminds you of something important: you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re learning, transforming, and growing in so many ways.

But most importantly, you don’t have to do it alone. People want to help you. You may have to guide them, or keep changing the support you get from them.

For those that feel like they don’t have enough support, I’m opening a small, intentional 1:1 pregnancy and postpartum emotional support offering through VeedaMom. I hope to build it into a space for truly helpful support during a season that is so hard for so many.