“It Takes a Village”: Building Your Mom Tribe When Family Is Miles Away
Edited on 10/26/2024 to add research and references.
Motherhood. It’s full of ups and downs. Parenthood is, really. It’s a huge adjustment from life “before kids” (BK—ha!).
Parenting can be even more challenging without the immediate support of family nearby or available to help. Everyone says, "It takes a village," but where is yours when you need it most?
In this post, we'll go into the importance of community, the unique challenges faced by moms living far from family, and tips on finding a village of your own.
The Importance of Community
In the whirlwind of motherhood, having a supportive community can make all the difference. Research has indicated that social support is a major buffer of postpartum depression [1]. Even more than that, research has indicated that having a strong social support network reduces stress, which literally makes you a better parent [2].
The shared experiences, the understanding nods, the hugs and help when you need it most, and relationships with other moms can contribute significantly to your mental well-being. These connections help you feel less alone, give you another person to talk to, and more.
Buckle up for a quick little history lesson: Parenting was never meant to be isolating, but in today’s world, it can absolutely feel that way. In traditional societies, parenting used to be a collective and community-oriented endeavor. Extended families, neighbors, and the broader community contributed to childcare, offering a network of guidance, shared responsibility, and collective wisdom. This communal approach provided a robust support system for parents, emphasizing shared values, cultural practices, and a sense of belonging.
Over time, we’ve lost that sense of community due to societal changes, like urbanization and individualization. While many of these changes can be good and empowering, they can also isolate families into “nuclear” families that require much more individual responsibility.
Challenges of Being Away from Family
Of course, many moms and parents opt to stay close to home. They have some built-in support, from grandparents helping watch the kids for a date night, or picking them up from school when they release at three, but work doesn’t end until five.
However, for moms living miles away from extended family (or who don’t have family support for any other reason), the challenges are unique. The longing for the familial support that often eases the journey is completely understandable. It can feel impossible alone.
In fact, a few parents lack any support system—and they need help! Without support from either institutions or other families, there’s no clear “map” of parenting. It can feel like they’re going at it the best they can but completely blindfolded [3].
If you’re one of these parents lacking support, you're alone forever. Even if you have to look around for your village a bit, finding one is more than worth it.
But the biggest question is..how?!
Finding Your Mom Tribe
There are a few ways to explore finding your group of people.
Keep in mind that not all of these options are for everyone. You’ll need to pick what feels right and authentic to you. And everyone you meet won’t be a perfect fit for you. That’s okay.
Also, let’s leave the excuses at this sentence right here.
Yes, it can be hard to herd toddlers and young children out of the house.
Yes, it can be easier to stay at home and watch TV.
But that won’t help you find your tribe, now will it? Sorry—gotta give a small dose of tough love. I had to do it to myself to get there! I’m an introvert and even have a sweater that says “anti-social moms club,” so if I can do it, anyone can!
Okay, and a confession: I’m still working on building mine. I have one close mom friend in my area, and that’s it. But life is much better with her!
Join Local Parenting Groups or Online Communities
One good way to find new mom friends in your area is to seek out local parenting groups or online communities where moms share experiences, tips, and support. Many Facebook groups are fun to join, and some schools and daycares offer communities of their own.
Participate in Community Events and Festivals
Local events and festivals can be great places to meet other moms. Many communities take a lot of time to create events for their citizens to join, but with the responsibilities we face every day, we hardly have time to pay attention to what’s going on around us.
Take some time to intentionally seek out events that match you and your family’s interests.
Bringing my hippie side out and reminding you to attend with an open heart and a willingness to connect! (insert picture of me wearing a flowy tie-dye dress here)
Take Classes or Workshops with Your Kids
Sign up for classes or workshops that involve your kids. This provides a chance to connect with other moms in a relaxed setting. Parks and recreation, local nature centers, and more places can offer local classes for free or for a small fee.
If you have a larger budget, check out things like swimming classes, gymnastics (even fun for toddler boys!), and dance or music classes. The options are endless for kids—even very young ones.
Attend Library Events and Storytimes
Libraries often host events and storytimes for kids. Attend these, and you might just find a kindred spirit among the bookshelves.
Okay, that was cheesy.
The problem with these is if you’re a working mom, they can often be at really odd times, like Tuesdays at 11 AM. But, every once in a while, you can find a weekend event.
Engage with Other Moms
Engaging with other moms at playgrounds or local parks might just lead to meaningful connections. It’s totally cliche, but a friendly smile can go a long way.
Overcoming Social Anxiety
Okay, all of that sounds great, but if you’re anything like me (an introvert), you may be scoffing a bit. Some of these may not sound worth the time and effort, considering it’s so out of your comfort zone.
It's natural to feel a bit of social anxiety when stepping into new social circles. Remember, you're not alone in this. Take small steps, be genuine, and let connections unfold organically. Many moms are just like you—tired, overwhelmed, and stressed out but searching for connection and community.
All you have to do is reach out to find it!
Conclusion
By taking just a few first steps—joining local groups, attending events, or engaging with other moms—you open yourself up to a world of support and understanding.
Remember, you are not alone, and there are good people out there willing to help and wanting friends and support as much as you do.
Embrace the journey of finding new mom friends.
Share your experiences! How did you find your mom friends? What challenges did you face, and how did you overcome them?
References
[1] Negron, R., Martin, A., Almog, M., Balbierz, A., & Howell, E. (2013). Social Support During the Postpartum Period: Mothers’ Views on Needs, Expectations, and Mobilization of Support. Maternal & Child Health Journal, 17(4), 616–623. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10995-012-1037-4
[2] Ezgi Yıldız, & Berna A. Uzundağ. (2024). The role of perceived social support in mitigating the impact of parenting stress on children’s effortful control. International Journal of Behavioral Development, 48(5), 462–466. 10.1177/01650254241239975
[3] Bowman, C. D., Dill, J., & Hunter, J. D. (2012). Culture of american families: Executive report. ().Institute for Advanced Studies in Culture. https://iasculture.org/research/publications/culture-american-families-executive-report