So… Where’s that Parenting Manual?
As soon as the doctor put a screaming, slimy (gross, but true) baby into my arms, instead of feeling this overwhelming feeling of love people talk about, I felt an overwhelming feeling of panic.
The only thought that crossed my mind was, “What do I do with this thing?! " I’d like to say I was concerned about how to approach caring for the baby I already felt so attached to, but honestly, it was just pure panic.
Obviously, I really love my kid now; I just felt entirely unprepared. And I don’t think I’m the only one to have felt that way! Hopefully.
Sometimes, I still have trouble accepting that I am a mom. I am in charge of two whole humans. Who would have thunk (lol) it?
Parenting Can Feel Like One Giant Mystery
I’d read some parenting books already because, hello, I love research. But none of them really prepared me. They were conceptual. Abstract. None of them explained how the first few nights felt. Or how the small amount of sleep you get impacts you. Or when to worry about the worries and intrusive thoughts happening.
Cue even more incessant research. Is this flaking on my baby’s head normal? Why does my sweet, perfect baby have pimples like he’s already going through puberty? What do I do when my newborn literally won’t sleep without me holding him, but I’m not allowed to sleep while holding him, but I’m so tired I could sleep standing up?
My head was spinning, and I was asking the same questions on repeat: Where is my parenting manual? Why don’t they have a parenting manual? How am I supposed to know what to do? Please, someone tell me what to do!
Why Your Parenting Matters More Than You Think
Parenting feels a little isolating. Sure, you are in the company of a baby every single day now, but that’s not the same as having someone that can support you as a new parent.
As a parent, your child relies on you for pretty much everything—but many parents don’t know how to best provide for their children. [1] And that’s completely not our fault. You see, resources for parenting are basically scattered. There is no “one” place to get an answer. And honestly, even if there was a manual, who could take the time to sit and read the whole thing?
Much of the literature I’ve read agrees that “experiences during early childhood affect children’s well-being over the course of their lives.” [1]
Basically, your parenting will impact your kid for the rest of their lives. No pressure, amirite?
You’re Not Alone!
It sounds scary, but we are all doing our best. Maybe it seems like everyone else has this parenting thing down, and you’re the only one struggling—like you missed the memo or didn’t get the manual everyone else has.
That’s what it felt like to me. But, I discovered that, like life, everyone is just doing their best. I won’t say faking it till they’re making it…but kind of.
The truth is that parents can’t possibly know everything there is to know about parenting. Our parenting is based on our experiences and what we can learn. We may have trouble translating learning into practice, even when we learn things. [1]
Quick Tips to Feel More in Control as a Parent
This entire blog is meant to empower parents, so there’s really no “quick fix.” However, based on my research, I can give a few tips on how to become a better parent today! Or at least start the journey to being the best parent possible.
A lot of being a better parent is looking within. It sounds cheesy, but mindfulness is proven to decrease parent stress and improve parenting. [2]
Observe yourself. Noticing your own behaviors, knowledge, and reactions can change your approach.
Reduce chaos. Control what you can. Crowdedness, toys everywhere, stuff everywhere, lack of any sort of routine, and high noise levels are correlated to parenting effectiveness! [3]
Be compassionate! Remember, no one is perfect. Give yourself, and your child grace.
Let’s Create a Manual Together
Okay, so there’s no manual for parenting now. But, together we can build a community that is research-based and tried and tested by parents. Many of us have figured out ways to do things that are effective. Does the research I present back up your methods? Or have your experiences been completely different?
Remember, there is no one way to parent. While this blog is based on research, research can be wrong! If it’s a limited study or if it hasn’t considered all variables, it can be disproved.
I hope we can create an open and accepting place to talk about our experiences as parents and learn from each other.
Resources
[1] National Academies of Sciences, E. and M., Division of Behavioral and Social Sciences and Education, Board on Children, Y. and F., Committee on Supporting the Parents of Young Children, Heather Breiner, Morgan Ford, & Vivian L. Gadsden. (2016). Parenting Matters : Supporting Parents of Children Ages 0-8. National Academies Press.
[2] Chaplin, T. M., Turpyn, C. C., Fischer, S., Martelli, A. M., Ross, C. E., Leichtweis, R. N., Miller, A. B., & Sinha, R. (2021). Parenting-Focused Mindfulness Intervention Reduces Stress and Improves Parenting in Highly Stressed Mothers of Adolescents. Mindfulness, 12(2), 450-462. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-018-1026-9
[3] Andeweg, S. M., Bodrij, F. F., Prevoo, M. J. L., Rippe, R. C. A., & Alink, L. R. A. (2022). Reducing household chaos to improve parenting quality? an RCT. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 80, 101398. 10.1016/j.appdev.2022.101398