Thoughts from the Rabbit Hole

…when we are depressed, we perceive and interpret the world and ourselves much more negatively, and this in turn feeds our low mood and reinforces the urge to isolate ourselves. The truth is that, left to its own devices, the mind easily leads us down a rabbit hole.

Sue Stuart-Smith, The Well-Gardened Mind: The Restorative Power of Nature

Let me start with this: I’m tired, not depressed. I know what depression feels like. It’s all-consuming. Exhaustion, especially bone-deep exhaustion like what I’m experiencing now, can feel similar at times.

The quote above is true, but I don’t think it’s only valid for those experiencing depression. This mindset of a negative perception and interpretation of the world can sneak up on anyone. It can stem from something as simple as being tired.

I suspect other full-time moms (or caregivers) know what I’m talking about when I say I’m tired.

There’s something about never being able to fully relax that takes a particularly heavy toll. Even when the kids are asleep, I’m bracing for one of them to wake up needing something. I know, that’s a me-problem. I need to live in the moment instead of anticipating the need.

That’s another thing I don’t get. “Living in the moment.”

Our world expects you to plan. If I’m living in the moment, how do I stay on top of school forms, school supplies, doctors’ appointments, keeping the house (somewhat) clean, laundry, events, traveling, responding to texts, and whatever else is expected of me as an adult mom? I don’t see how anyone can be “fully present” all the time.

I’m getting off track from what I wanted to say in this post. So let’s dive right into it.

Unpopular opinion alert: taking care of my kids doesn’t fulfill me.

*waits patiently to be smited or for hate comments to roll in*

For the longest time, I refused to admit that, even to myself. It felt wrong. But now, I think it’s time to admit it out loud. I’ve started accepting this fact about myself, and I also accept that it doesn’t mean I love my kids any less.

All it means is that I’m wired differently from the moms who do get complete fulfillment out of taking care of their kids. I’m so jealous of those moms, to be honest. I want to be more like them. But I’ve tried that, and it feels like I’m wearing a poorly fitted costume. It’s not me. And isn’t not being “me” a disservice to my kids in some way?

Another phase I went through was trying to rationalize this feeling. Maybe it’s their age (5 and 1). Or maybe it’s me. Sometimes I wonder how much my ADHD contributes to this. It’s challenging for me to manage things that most people would consider basic.

Oh, how nice it would be to have that level of executive functioning, where I can just “do” things. It’s an internal fight to do basic things for myself, and now I need to manage two other kids, as well.

I don’t think it’s something to rationalize, though. It’s okay for me to feel this way. It’s okay for me to want to have time to work on things that don’t relate to them or the home. It’s okay to be my own person still.

And yes. I’m tired.

I’m doing a lot. Let’s list it all:

1. A full-time stay-at-home mom, who questions herself way too much

2. A full-time 4.0 master’s student who cares way too much

3. Freelance work for multiple companies to stay sharp (and happy)

4. Working on building an app for moms and starting a business (hopefully) to help other moms

5. Networking and rebuilding my professional image after losing my job while I was pregnant

6. A wife

7. A friend

8. A family member

9. *Enter everything else here*

Whew. But, even through the bone-deep exhaustion, there are so many good things going on.

I may not be great at responding to texts or reaching out to friends right now, but I’m close to launching the app I’ve been working so hard on to the world in the App Store.

The laundry pile may be entirely out of control, but my kids laugh a lot each day.

I may feel like I’m in a constant state of forgetting something or not doing “good enough”, but one of my 1-year-old’s first words is “book.” That’s a win, right?

And here’s the kicker: I may not be entirely fulfilled by taking care of my kids and the home, but I still love them more deeply than I ever thought possible.

Fridays during the summer have become my days. My husband has been taking the day off work so I can work towards my dreams. Yes, I’m lucky to have a day. I’m also lucky to be in a position where I can stay at home with the kids. I know that. A day often doesn’t feel like enough. I crave more. And I’m working to get more.

I used to tell myself I was a “BAD MOM” for wanting help with the kids, for needing time away from them to dive into my passions fully. This feeling keeps creeping up.

But here’s the truth that I’ve learned through therapy and my studies to become a therapist: two things can be true at once.

That’s a hard concept for me to grasp. I want there to be one right answer. But I know for a fact that I’m struggling with accepting these two particular truths of my own:

1. I love my kids more than anything in the world

2. I don’t get complete fulfillment from being a stay-at-home mom.

And that’s okay. Both of these can be true. One doesn’t make the other any less true.

I’ve learned that I need these Fridays to explore and to work towards my own goals. I need the nights when my husband gets home from work to work on schoolwork and research more about what interests me.

I’ve even started incorporating some things I like and want to do with taking care of my children. Because, while I feel society has told moms that we need to put our entire lives on hold to nurture our children effectively, I know I’m a more effective mom when I don’t try to fit myself into the “box of expectations.”

So, yes. I’ve dug myself into a rabbit hole. Shoot… I think society may have handed me the shovel. I’m working on climbing my way out of it.