What Our Kids Might Be Asking For When They Throw a Tantrum
I watched a lecture on validation in families that hit me harder than I expected. The lecture wasn’t flashy, and the professor didn’t have the most captivating speaking style. But the content cracked something open.
Validation is one of those words that floats around in parenting and therapy spaces, but this went deeper. It’s not just about being nice. It’s not about agreeing. It’s about recognizing someone’s internal experience — their emotions, thoughts, and desires — and communicating that you see it. That you get it.
On the flip side, invalidation, when done unskillfully, isn’t always harsh, or even delivered with the intention to invalidate. It’s often subtle. A sigh. A distraction. A rushed solution. Even well-meaning responses can accidentally make someone feel unseen.
What really stuck with me was this: our emotional arousal rises when we feel invalidated. It stays high. It becomes harder to express ourselves accurately, which makes it more likely that we’ll be misunderstood again. This loop can happen in any relationship, but it’s especially common with kids and people who have high emotional sensitivity.
What I learned is that even when we have to set a boundary, we can still validate the emotion behind the behavior. We can validate their experience while still invalidating the behavior, but we should do our best to do so skillfully.
We can say:
"You really wanted to play."
"That didn’t go the way you hoped."
"It’s hard when I say no, huh?"
That doesn’t mean giving in. It just means staying connected.
The research shows that validation actually lowers emotional arousal. It helps people regulate. And over time, it helps families function better. Kids feel safer, parents feel less reactive, and emotional storms pass more gently.
I know I don’t always get it right in the moment, especially when I’m tired, touched out, or stretched thin. But this reminder has been grounding me:
Validate the valid. Respond to the emotion, not just the behavior. Repair when you miss the mark.
I created an infographic about understanding validation. You can download it here or view it below. If you’ve ever wondered why your child (or partner, or parent) seems to spiral after something seemingly small, this might be the missing puzzle piece. Or, it could be red dye, microplastics, and whatever else is apparently causing our emotional dysregulation nowadays!
Thanks for being in this with me.
xo, Amy
Infographic on understanding validation and skillful invalidation.
PS: If you want to watch the full lecture, here’s a link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EDSIYTQX_dk