What My Firstborn Taught Me (and What Science Says About Birth Order)
If you’re a parent, you know how much your first child shapes your journey as a parent. My firstborn changed my life entirely, and in this post, I’ll share my personal experience and what I’ve learned. We’ll also explore birth order theory and how it may influence our kids, especially those who came first.
My Experience as a First-Time Parent
My first child brought me back to my own childhood.
We dance in the rain and bet on the racing raindrops on the windowpane.
We chase butterflies together—though I often trail way behind or just cheer him on. (I do not have the energy of a 4-year-old, let’s be real.)
We walk leisurely down the street, noticing the changes around us: flowers blooming, leaves changing, squirrels playing hide-and-seek.
At night, we stare up at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck on his ceiling.
Museums, nature centers, aquariums, and zoos are now part of our family’s routine, and I learn something new every time.
We sing. We dance. We make messes together. We try new things. We laugh—a lot.
It isn’t always sunshine and frolicking in nature. We watch a lot of TV together and play video games side-by-side. We cry, and butt heads more often than I’d like to admit.
But my firstborn has taught me to “just be” in this world again. To live outside of society’s expectations and find joy with nothing but what’s around us and our imaginations.
Even more importantly, he’s taught me a lot about myself.
When he asks “why” about a new rule or a “no” I give him, I often find myself pausing, reconsidering my own beliefs.
I discover my own triggers when I feel frustrated with his behavior.
And I’ve started to question why the kind words I offer him aren’t what I say to myself.
They say we’re supposed to be our children’s teachers, but it turns out my firstborn has taught me just as much as I’ve taught him—if not more.
What Science Says About Firstborns and Birth Order
Okay, so everything before this was obviously just my (heartfelt) opinion and experience. What does the research say about birth order theory?
According to studies on birth order, firstborns often:
Feel more parental control and pressure [1]
Strive for perfection and rule-following [2]
Show higher levels of organization [2]
Are more likely to be perfectionists [3]
(but) do not have a direct link to higher anxiety levels [4]
This makes sense to me. My guess is that a lot of this may be related to how the parents treat them. In my experience, I am much more relaxed the second time through (so far), and it’s only been five months.
When I left my firstborn in the care of my own parents, I legitimately wrote a 10-page manual. With my second, I handed my baby off without instructions when I went to the store. They had to call me with questions!
Of course, this could be related to my own levels of anxiety, but it also could be related to what I’ve learned from my firstborn and the beliefs I’ve reexamined.
The Takeaway: How We Grow as Parents
As parents, we have learned from our firstborns, and naturally, we adjust [5]. There are two responses we can have:
Learn from experience and improve.
Learn from experience, decide we don’t have much control after all, and “give up.”
I don’t think I need to tell you which one creates a better relationship with the next kid, right? (Hint: it’s 1) [5].
Do you have a firstborn? What have they taught you? How has your experience as a parent changed with your other children? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
References
Joshi, M. S., & Ajayan, A. (2024). Perceived Parent Differential Treatment and Perfectionism among Firstborn and Lastborn Individuals. Indian Journal of Health and Wellbeing, 15(2), 210-215. https://www.proquest.com/scholarly-journals/perceived-parent-differential-treatment/docview/3084477766/se-2
Adler, A. (1928). Characteristics of the first, second, and third child. Children, 3(5), 14.
Fizel, L. (2008). The relationship of birth order to perfectionism (Order No. 3314711). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (304385686). https://www.proquest.com/dissertations-theses/relationship-birth-order-perfectionism/docview/304385686/se-2
Callaway, Amanda, "Birth Order as a Predictor of Anxiety" (2018). Brescia Psychology Undergraduate Honours Theses. 15.
https://ir.lib.uwo.ca/brescia_psych_uht/15Rand, J. S., McLean, R. D., & Jensen, A. C. (2022). Parenting as Beta Testing: Perceived Changes in Parenting from Firstborns to Secondborns. Journal of Family Issues, 43(3), 588-611. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513X21994129