Five Ways to Take Care of Yourself When You’re Always Taking Care of Others
How do you fill your cup when you’re always pouring for others?
I’ve been asking myself this question a lot lately. Because, honestly, I don’t have time for bubble baths, long journaling sessions, or leisurely coffee dates alone with my thoughts. My days start at 5 a.m. with the baby. From the moment I open my eyes, I’m already giving. I wake up to my baby crying, get him taken care of, then start getting everything ready for my preschooler’s school day. Getting him ready and out the door is always a battle, no matter how many techniques I try to implement from all the parenting experts out there.
From there, I’m making meals, cleaning up, squeezing in my schoolwork, freelancing, work itself, managing all the little fires that pop up during the day, juggling a baby who is still reliant on me for everything, and then launching into full-on “Mom Play Mode” when Xavier gets home until bedtime. By the time my husband gets home, I’m fully exhausted. And yet, I still don’t feel like I’ve done enough.
There’s a voice in my head telling me I should be doing all these enriching activities with my kids. I should be making more time for myself. I should just be enjoying these moments with the boys while they’re young and want to spend time with me.
But most days, I’m just surviving. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. And definitely not the only one feeling guilty about feeling this way.
So, how do we fill our own cups when we feel like we have nothing left?
Redefine Self-Care
When you have kids, you have to redefine self-care. Self-care has turned into a multi-billion dollar industry. I made that up, but people are definitely profiting off it lately putting it into our heads that self care needs to be a bubble bath, an “everything shower,” a moment with a York pattie or whatever (who actually likes those), or something else that has to be bought and enjoyed.
Lies! All lies. Let’s simplify it. Self-care means getting out of the stress response. Relaxing a bit. When you have a baby, toddler, or preschooler, honestly, it can feel like you’re living in that stress response moment—the constant feeling of anxiousness. We weren’t meant to be in that state at all times [1].
So how do we change it? Intentionality. We need to point out the obvious to ourselves, even if it doesn’t feel nice at first. Maybe after the kids go to bed, instead of scrolling through your phone (or, if you’re me, playing Stardew Valley all night), turn off the light and just lay in bed and breathe. Maybe if you haven’t eaten anything but the scraps off your toddler’s plate, take time to eat a vegetable. Maybe if you’re on your third cup of coffee and starting to get a headache, drink some water.
Yeah, none of that sounds as nice as a luxurious candle-lit bubble bath with a book in our hands, but when you’re in this mode, it can really help.
Tiny, Intentional Joys
I’m starting to believe that some of the things kids get to do are things we still really want to do deep down but have dismissed as childish. You can’t always get time to yourself when you’re a primary caregiver. So, why don’t you have fun, too? Instead of just setting up an activity for your kid or letting them color alone, why don’t you pick up a crayon, too? Here are some other ideas:
Put on a DannyGo or other “brain break” video and do it with your kid.
Go outside and feel the fresh air on your face together.
Have a snack and focus on how it tastes.
Ask your kid open-ended questions, and let them talk.
Have your kid tell a story. Make it up with them.
Do something you enjoy with your kids.
If you really need to get away, take a step away. Do a breathing exercise. Shake out your body. Remind yourself that you’re not being chased by a wild boar…just your own child. And they can wait for you to be a better version of yourself after a few deep breaths and wiggles.
Letting Go of the “Perfect” Parent Standard
I had a vision of the kind of mom I’d be—the one who sets up fun activities, makes homemade snacks, cuts her kid’s cheese for school lunch into fun shapes, and teaches letters and numbers with excitement.
Yeah…I have this theory that you’re always a better parent before you actually become a parent. Lately, I’ve found myself playing from the couch, bouncing a baby on my hip, and just doing what I can to keep everyone fed, alive, and moderately happy. My four-year-old definitely thinks I’m boring and less fun. That’s okay.
What I can give is enough. My kids don’t need a Pinterest-perfect mom. They need me, even when I’m tired or not at my best. They just need to know they are loved.
If your version of playing is watching your kid build Legos or throw Legos everywhere while you sit on the couch, that’s enough. If dinner is frozen chicken nuggets and apple slices, that’s enough—well, as long as you warm them up.
Ask for (and Actually Take) Help
I know this one feels impossible. Especially if you’re like me. Help doesn’t always sound like it would actually help. Like, I have to explain to others how I want things done? Or sit there and show them? No thanks. Quicker if I just do it, thanks.
But we can get so used to being the ones who do everything that we don’t see the ways we can make things easier for ourselves.
Let your partner or anyone in your support system take over small tasks, even if they don’t do them your way.
Buy the pre-cut fruit or the bagged salad
Accept offers from friends and family to help, even if they just hold the baby while you shower
Consider childcare swaps with other parents, or even just spending part of your day together to help each other out
You don’t have to do it all alone, even if it feels like it sometimes.
Remember, This is a Chapter
It won’t always be this hard. The kids will grow and become more independent, and the endless cycle of exhaustion will shift.
But in the meantime, survival mode doesn’t mean failure. If all we do today is keep everyone fed and safe, and you get one deep breath just for yourself—that’s enough. You are enough. We are enough.
And if no one else has told you lately? You’re doing a damn good job.
References
[1] Lucas, L. J. (2018). Practicing presence : simple self-care strategies for teachers. Stenhouse Publishers.